Maybe I’m not scared to death right now, maybe I’m literally scared of death now

My previous blog talked about how I’m scared to death of the changes coming up in my life.

I sit at home worrying about this more and more, it’s like a never ending circle, but it will have an end, it’s just taking a while (12 weeks today infact).

I today broke down and cried at home on my own, I think I needed to do that as I have so many emotions bottled up inside – I tried getting out and going to the shops last weekend and all I felt was anger, the old Mark from the past emerged and I felt violent, so I got back home as soon as possible.

But then some people reminded me of the good things that happen when you move on, we’ve seen it in so many over recent years as the companies down-size, so what’s to be scared of ?

I have the slightly morbid, but ultimately realistic view of life, and that is that as we getting older our lives get shorter – the time ahead of us reduces, and we get to that tipping point where life ahead < life behind us.  This scares the shit out of me, it will happen, I accept that, but I don’t want to look back and think “if only”.

I read news like “people are getting less than 30 minutes exercise a month”, “the world is getting more obese”, “mental health is the biggest worry for the younger generation”, “debt problems are growing”.  And then I look around me and see things like waist sizes growing, GPs and the health service over-loaded, number of cars on the roads growing with less people walking, drivers getting more aggressive, people getting greedier and stressing as they want the latest expensive phones and blingier houses.  I read and see these things, see links between them all are clear, and then think “do I want to be like that and waste the rest of my life living like that ?”.  If I live fast, my life goes fast, and then it’s gone, no time to look back and think “if only” until it’s too late.

I’m 45 in 2 weeks time, maybe halfway point in my life if I’m lucky, but not at halfway point in my active life, I’m guessing by 70 things will slow down even quicker. I feel things slowing down, aches and pains take longer to heal (or morph into just being normal for older age), my eyesight has got worse, my physio is happy with the continuing trade I give him, and I moan more like an old man.  Although I feel like this, I don’t actually feel I’m old – I behave like a child, not grown up, I walk around bare footed rather than wearing the warm slippers I get most Xmas’s, I sit on the floor at home rather than a comfy chair, I enjoy going out and getting lost in the middle of nowhere rather than sticking to safe paths.  This is possibly why I’m not needed or fitting in at work, I’m still behaving like a child, I stand out in a meeting room as I become restless with the attention span of a 5 years old and end up drawing or playing on my phone.  I’m clinging on by my fingertips to this younger me and won’t let go, I want to delaying the start of falling down the slippery old age slope.

I need to focus on the fact that a lifestyle change is really what holds the key to prolonging this life and making the most of it, if I stick then I miss new opportunities and looking around at many others I see it will also lead to health and mental problems getting worse.  I’ve already made small changes since turning 40, I am more active now, I have made diet changes, I drink far less, I shifted jobs to worry less, I spend more time with family, and I feel the benefits but there’s always room for improvement.  I don’t call this a mid-life crisis, I call it mid-life realism.

I am scared of death, but if I’m enjoying life more then I will have less time to worry, right now I have too much worry time, this will peak soon and then no looking back, time to move on.

Sorry for this slightly morbid post, it’s my way of coping with things. I’m open, honest and have no problems sharing as I reckon I’m not the only one that feels like this, we know many turn a blind eye to it – they just continue existing in life, ignoring things or hoping they will magically disappear (which they won’t), or worse still they think talking and sharing is a sign of weakness which it isn’t – being weak is about not having the courage to face up to things or to go and help others.

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